But first I must find my way back
by Soldier of Winter
Summary: "If you call, then I'm coming to get you." In which elements of Dante's Purgatorio and various other mythologies are combined to create a fictional version of Purgatory, through which Castiel must travel.


Purgatory is a large, and there simply isn't any other way to describe it. In the East are the Gates, which stretch to the sky and are made of silver, and the Fires just before them. In the West the landscape slopes low and the skies darken as the Gates of Hell emerge out of the gloom. Then, raising out of the center of Purgatory, it's cliff faces stark and sharp against the pale sky, is the mountain to Eden and Beyond. Up the face of the mountain, trails a long line of souls waiting for admittance to Eternity.

This is where Castiel finds himself when he hears someone praying.

He has no recollection of anything that has transpired previously to his ascent up Mount Purgatory. He is no longer an Angel of the Lord, he is no longer the angel who fell to help the Winchesters complete their suicidal mission to stop Armageddon, nor is he the one who stole souls to complete his own ascent to God; in this place, he is merely another soul traveling through the cleansing fires on his way to Eden. All of his sins have been absolved and he will never have to face the shame he felt at being human. He should be relieved that he has been allowed to forget and re-ascend to heaven. He should be glad that he has received his Father's forgiveness.

But he doesn't want to forget; he doesn't want his Father's forgiveness. What Castiel wants to do more than anything is all the things he has done, because it is the only true punishment that he is worthy of. Castiel thinks himself worthy of Hell, but not even that wish can be granted of him so he struggles to remember. It is self punishment and it is just, he thinks.

However, when he hears someone praying for him, saying his name in an oh-so-familiar voice, something unwinds in him and the memories come spilling out curling in his belly to rest there, warm and heavy. He craves more of these memories and perhaps that is what provokes him to leave the Path, to descend the Mountain, and to deny the gift of eternal peace that someone, somewhere believes he deserves.

He comes down the mountain slowly, the memories of his life unfurling in his brain like his first breath from his newly created lungs. Unfurling like the great Jörmungandr coming undone to fight his final battle against its greatest enemy. Unfurling like the narcissus flower on the banks of a clear pond in early spring. Unfurling like a trickle of deceit spreading into a cacophony of chaos, sending the world below his feet into despair and the heavens above into anarchy. Unfurling like his wings the first time he lands on Earth and raises the Righteous Man from the pits of Hell. Unfurling like the sense of family that tickles at the back of his brain and keeps him coming back for more.

And so, Castiel's memories slowly return to him, seeping into his brain as he passes back through the Fires. Back through to the Gates from which he entered.

There waits his brother Inias, perched with his wings spread elegantly behind him, reaching to the sky, warm and welcoming to all the souls which come through this Gate.

"Castiel," says Inias, "You wish to leave Purgatory."

Castiel does not answer, he merely stares up at his brother, eyes betraying no emotion.

"No one has ever left Purgatory, brother. No one has ever done the any of the things you have done, not in the history of all of creation," Inias pauses in his speech leaning down to peer at Castiel.

"It is the Righteous Man and his brother of Demon Blood is it not."

A statement, not a question, Castiel notes, but he nods anyway.

Inias makes a humming noise, "I see. You have done much for them, more than any Brother or Sister has ever done for the entirety of humanity. And I understand brother, I understand so much and I can see you love for these men of flesh and bone. But please, brother, you deserve rest and peace."

I know you understand Inias, thinks Castiel, that's why it must be you to let me through the gates. You saw a love burn herself in sati and she did it for you, to be a god like you. But you were not a god and neither was she so she was lost to you. Do not let me lose my loves as well.

And in Purgatory, where all thoughts and hearts are open, Inias hears these thoughts and knows the truth. To not let Castiel return would only cause more pain and Inias has never been one for suffering.

"Noalan oiad noasmi lit ol," he says, swinging open up the gate. May God be with you.

Castiel does not believe in God any longer, so he merely draws his memories closer to him, tucking them under his wings and holding them close to his heart. If he manages to make it through intact it will be due to his own powers and not a god's.

He steps through the gate and it is as if his entire being split into a thousand atoms, and it is. He would scream but he no longer has lungs, he would run but his legs have disappeared.

_The memories are ripped from his grasp as his-_

Skin knits back together.

_His memories are just out of reach and his-_

Back grows warm as the sun beats down on it.

_He can't fucking reach and-_

He stands in a lake without any clothes. The water laps against the shore, creating a steady rhythm that he finds oddly soothing. The area is familiar and he feels like he has seen it before, even though he doesn't have any memory of it. He doesn't have any memories at all.

There is a man on the beach and he does not know himself.


End file.
